Greetings everyone! Welcome back!! As we begin to emerge from the mercifully short Gainesville winter to enjoy the first League season of 2024, we here at the soon to be former Undead Ultimate Chronicle have some biiiiig news to share. We realized that this most recent Halloween-themed name didn’t really hit the way that some of our previous iterations have. Engagement was falling, revenue was drying up, and our short status as a cornerstone of the community was waning. We had to make a big move. And so, we did what any dejected small business might do in this situation: sell out. It’s time to lay our hats down and become a plebian for a much larger entity in order to ensure our continued survival. I’ve got payroll to maintain after all. Our plucky team’s one remaining point of pride is that we refuse to do things halfway. If there’s selling out to do, you know we’re going to sell out better than anyone to only the biggest entities. Which one you might ask? The New York Times? The Atlantic? Forbes? Bloomberg?? The BBC??? No, no, no, no, and no. We’ve sucked up to powers far beyond the terrestrial. We’ve gone up the chain of command to truly galactic proportions! That’s right! For all you Marvel-heads out there, rejoice! We are now sponsored by the Mad Titan himself, Balancer of the Cosmos, our great Lord THANOS!! So, without further ado, may I present the one, the only, the Infinity Times! The most anticipated news source this side of the Milky Way!! Providing balanced coverage of anything and everything you could ever want.
For now though, we’re starting small, focusing on quality over quantity. Our first assignment is following a small, local Ultimate Frisbee League. Lo and behold, we found a team that aspires to similar greatness as Lord Thanos, even going so far as to name themselves in his honor. We see great promise and Spirit in this team and are excited to follow their journey from rag-tag to polished perfection and universal domination!
If this first week of games are any proof, team Thanos has the skill and determination to make games go their way. Their inaugural game was against Joker, a team that’s no laughing matter. This team played some of the chilliest zone offense ever (upwind no less), incorporating the Switzer sisters, Clyde, Ellie, and Dan Kahn in a whirling dervish of quick passes that slowly but surely ate up the feet (some might call it…inevitable). Out there in the thick of it was the D-Master Joeker himself, racking up 4 D’s in this game, weeding out our poor decisions, and making our defenders seem like they were standing still.
Team Thanos gave it back blow for blow though, with the zone defense refusing to be ground down by the fluerry of quick passes. Defensive accolades go to Lukas, Danielle, Champion, and Alison for making Joker work for every step and never letting the handlers get too many breaths before resetting their mark. The Defensive MVP though will have to go to Donovan Witte, netting 3 D’s in one point and setting up the final drive for a Thanos break (which may say more about everyone else’s offense, but hey, stats are stats!!). On the offensive side, we had nine separate individuals responsible for our eight points (that’s over 50% of the team!). Chief among them was the senior Switzer himself, netting four assists with iconic backhands and hammers, as well as Alison and Donovan both netting two points apiece. Hard cap rolled around with a final score of 8-4. Victory for Lord Thanos!! I would say we got the last laugh, but I suppose Lord Thanos doesn’t have much of a reason to laugh while he’s laying waste to 50% of the universe. So…it would seem that Joker still gets the last laugh.
The second batch of evildoers to challenge Thanos for universal domination was team Zurg (or Evil Emperor Zurg if he tried to sneak in late and got caught by his mom). This is a dark lord who knows how to pick for speed and hucks in his minions. They absolutely torched our zone over and over just by being quick and making good throws, not being afraid to pull out all stops to maintain possession. An incredible moment exemplifying this was Sterling (happy first league by the way!!) getting handblocked by Tom Brown, only to chase the disc forward, lay out, and keep on handling. Absolute banger of a play (as the kids might say).
In this match we witnessed far more nail-biting back and forth momentum, which is anxiety inducing from the sideline, but makes a great story for the galactic denizens to experience while waiting in hovercar traffic. After getting broken twice, Thanos got their feet under them, moving from getting broken, to trading points, to a three-point breaking spree to take half. Zurg rallied, putting up three points to zurge ahead. With time ticking down, team Thanos turned on the jets, going from 7-8, to 9-8, and then punching in a final break to avoid universe and secure the win.
From the stalwart honorees of Thanos, much dope stuff was done (to use Earth vernacular). To begin, Plant confirmed that he is in fact not rooted to the ground with a huge second attempt layout catch to keep the disc alive after a Zurg henchie slapped away a long huck. Thomas Dolce reflected the Mad Titan’s exquisite finesse with a tight, toe-the-sideline score, and Clea exhibited humanity’s resilience by biking 15 miles before League and still tearing it up in the middle, creating many opportunities for continuation and blitzing past Zurgian defenders. Lord Thanos would do well to bet on this human team.
In all, if team Thanos continues to emulate our Overlord, then they will eventually probably feel terribly alone in their quest to bring balance to the universe, make unnecessarily emotional and heart-wrenching sacrifices for their conception of victory, and end up fighting for their lives against the world’s mightiest heroes. Will that happen? Or will one of the 14,000,605 alternate timelines that Dr. Strange looked at come to be? Maybe in one of those futures team Thanos will just play League and have a good time with each other…who knows?? All I know is that the Infinity Times will be reporting every step of the way. Thanks for reading! We’ll see you next time!