So it wasn’t the driest of days, nor was it the wettest of days, but after a week of cleaning up after Hellenes messy ass…. I believe the majority of league was just glad the City of Gainesville didn’t cancel 2 weeks of league 6 days before the hurricane arrives.
Seriously, we all know they dont mow, level, tend to those fields anyways. I’ve had 4th of July parties that have seen less shrapnel and torn appendages than that damn field. The Citizen’s field, is like a free hay ride at the local Corn Maze…. Where the grass is at least shoulder height, the fields are more hilly than bumpy, and the hay bail trailer has ZERO and I mean zero shock absorption. You can pad your ass with empty candy wrappers, but your cheeks are still gonna chaffe. If you run fast enough, from one end of field 3 to the other you can even feel a slight lurch in your stomach as your body goes from negative G’s to about 3.2G’s.. right before you tear your ACL. Now if you suffer from motion sickness or arent keen on carnival rides field 3 is not the field for you ( on a personal note… I used to love carnival coasters and rides, until I realized that Carnies assemble the roller coaster and the puke master 3000 at carnivals… now i just mess my stomach by downing one too many fried oreos and funnel cakes, and chase it with the Chocolate Java Lanch and a few bean burritos at the Taco stand)…. and on the off chance its raining, there’s at least a few low lying swampy areas that are more akin to quicksand than anything. Don’t worry though, chances are Zach Floyd and company will get field 3 for the remainder of the season as a physical manifestation of the handicap they expect Zach to excel under. If he shows up to a game with a pulled hammy, it was bc he had to play uphill defense on the east endzone of field 3… and if they are missing a lady its because they had to let her go like Atreyu lost Artax. We are probably 2 seasons away from teams just mutually forfeiting if they are placed on field 3.
Damn, I digress…
Game 1 Get Shrekked 11 – 9 Puss in Cleats
Get Shrekked showed up to the fields. and quickly discovered that not only would they be playing 4-3 savage all day but that it would also be a double header. YAY for playing time, BOO (halloween pun) for old ass outta shape legs. Both teams basically traded points for the entire first half. With neither team really keen on winning, nor entirely committed to giving the other a free pass. First half was mostly punctuated by Schimmel refusing to pull in bounds, Fletcher being ungaurdable, and athletic plays from Coley Privette for scores, D’s or assists (Will Drew Wright….. and the rest of Shrekked’s men please show up to a game so CP chill out… if he could he would get the D and throw himself into the endzone)… fortunately for PnC, Coley also stocked up on his other favorite stat TURNOVERS. It yet remains to be seen if Captain Jaylynne kept those stats accurately…. hopefully not. Also pray for Larissa, our mascot and resident stat keeper who abdicated her responsibilities minutes before tee off, seems to be fighting a case of bubonic plague…. I suggest a healthy diet of GrapeFruit Truly’s and painkillers… Vitamin C and antihistamines..
Shrekked and PnC both have solid handler cores, neither team really blinking in the face of the other teams inept defense. Like water on a fire, drizzle really mellowed this game out. The only highlights of the first half was Jaylynne and Naomi literally CARVING their zone up like Freddy Krueger with a pumpkin. Jaylynn could be heard saying something diabolical about “must have more blades”… not sure if she was talking about forehand flicks or aichmomania.(YES i googled it)
Stat from the first half that doesn’t show up, Schimmel’s thundering “no call” D on Coley’s chest high layout. That’ll teach the young buck to go airborne. Schimmel straight clipped those wings.
Second half was more of a schlug fest, I’m fairly certain there were more squibbed frisbee catches than Squidward trying to catch his first crabby patty. They game was more or less a bit of what you could expect slow boring effect frisbee punctuated by BIG AMAZING INCREDIBLE ineffective frisbee plays. Seriously, this was an exercise in what not to do, after going 69yrs (yes, 69….) doing the correct thing for both teams. Heard Adub mutter some dejected curses under his breath a few times, “come on guys” as they turned it over. Dude was literally getting toasted by Fletcher up and down the field. Perhaps Shrekk may discuss in their next meeting not to put the fat slow guy on the other teams best player, and a little blurb about “setting and holding a mark”…. to which someone will undoubtedly proclaim “Who’s Mark” in an excited tone, because Mark sounds like he could totally play… and Shrekked’s Savage 7 could have totally used a breather.
Despite Shrekked’s best attempt to give the game away in the closing minutes before cap, Puss in Cleats refused to accept the gift… PnC got upwind O to force Universe, and worked it all the way up the field, as methodically one might expect only to catch a case of the Drop’sies. Then Adub did what he did best, Screamed “Mountaintop” as he blindly threw the disc into the stratosphere hoping someone would Hay Bail out his Hail Berry throw. Coley accepted the challenge, caught the disc, and for the first time in 45minutes made a veteran “timeout call”…. To which the savage 7 calmly walked down the field and called an uninteresting “double strike” play for the win.
On a scale of 1-10 this game was a 6, as in, on the positive side of meh, but literally nothing to write about, except a rambling 6 pages about field 3….
Shoutout to whoever drafted this team, you clearly had inclement weather in mind.
On to the next one
Shrekked 10-11 Shorties
Honestly dont remember much about this game suffice to say the Shrekked women played valiantly. Each point drawing straws to see who would get to gaurd the Queens Kate, Karol, or Jenny (3rd girl dont remember who) OR one of the Kings. Like Lord Farquadd, they showed little mercy or sympathy for the Savage 7. And saw fit to punish them tirelessly with Long O points.
There isnt a team more suited for boring offense than this team. No matter who small or tight the window they would just walk it down the field squeezing into tight windows. Literally nothing we could do: man or zone, box n one. We tried putting Coley on Dustin, that didn’t work, we tried putting Coley on Danny, that didn’t work,. Literally nothing Shrekked did dethroned the kings.
Some will say Shrekked had a chance to win, but if you ask Farquad’s Bangs Train if they were ever nervous they’d point directly to the scoreboard and note, they were in the lead from first pull until Universe point. ” Never had a doubt”. “If you consider having a chance akin to a snowballs chance in hell or Adub throwing an ill advised laser of a hammer into the soaking wet north east corner enzone… then you’d be right.” Why play chilly 100% offense when the games on the line, when you can just laser scoober or hammer into your teammates chest and blame them? makes total sense.
The mistakes PnC refused to capitalize on, Short Kings n Queens seized and squeezed.
Shoutout to Bryant for leaving earth momentarily to snag the only real huck of the game. Dustin for being as solid as Gibraltar.
Shoutout to Howard and Coley for not only playing savage, but also having to cover the other teams best players, endlessly without rest, and then having to turn around and be Shrekked’s best cutters. Shoutout to Tommy for being our fearless heart and soul…. I suspect he’s waiting in the background, patiently waiting for his chance to once again prove he is the sleeper in the draft.
And lastly Shoutout to Lydia, who in her first league, has been asked to play every point savage. And without batting a lightning blue eye she has stepped up to the challenge.
Parting thoughts,
1) Weather is the great equalizer… it makes athletes look like noobs, and old men look like savants.
2) field 2’s west goal line was wonky AF but unnoticeably so until you were on another field.
3) For as little effort the city shows in upkeeping our fields I was pleased there wasnt more debris
4) The outhouses toilet paper was surprisingly soft this week… we need more of this!!!
5) Fletcher, when someone is taking a pregame poop, please have the decency to not beat the door down like Gestapo… i totally pinched a loaf early in fear for my life.
